So Long Without You
by skywriter55
Summary: "She gave me the greatest gift on this Earth- her love. My response had been to throw it away and break her heart. My intentions were pure, of that there was no doubt... The best laid plans..." Edward and Bella's trip back from Italy. Edward POV. He reminisces over his choices and realizes that he was meant to be with Bella- forever. *ON TEMPORARY HIATUS*
1. Chapter 1-The Escape

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, or the quotes taken from the book ****New Moon**** by Stephanie Meyer. She wrote and created them- I'm just playing in her sandbox. Thank you Steph!**

"She's stealing a car too, isn't she?" asked Bella with a small twinkle in her eye. These words coming from the girl who'd reminded me more than once to abide by laws was comical.

"Not until we're outside," I admitted.

As I helped my fragile girl outside, I couldn't help noticing her physical frailties. Her frame, always light, was positively emaciated. If I put my hand to her torso, my fingers would fit in the spaces between her fragile ribs. The dark circles under her eyes were even worse than my own.

If she sparkled, she could even pass for a vampire. Alice's vision flashed through my mind, taking center stage in my concentration. It was my perfect Bella with bright red eyes, her granite-strong arm around Alice's shoulders, laughing happily. Yes, an eternity with Bella was appealing beyond measure.

I shook my head , dispelling the image angrily. Yes, true, Alice and I had just sworn to take her life away, but that was still not my intent. The thought of my teeth- or any of my family's- on her skin, forcing venom into her warm body, freezing it, drying her luscious blood, stopping her precious heart… It horrified me to the point of physical pain. But then again, she would be indestructible, free from the dangers around her, including herself.

My mind spun in unending circles until Bella dragged me back to the present by shuddering violently against me. Her eyes were aimed up at the portcullis I was dragging her under.

This confused me. Didn't she know I could force my way through it with no effort at all? That if the Volturi did try and stop us now, I'd save her? A revelation swam into my consciousness. Perhaps she still didn't grasp my complete adoration of her.

My poor Bella. It was quite obvious that she was hurting, hurting terribly. I watched as she trudged from my arms to collapse into the car. The revelation hit me again- what had I done?

I was frozen there for a moment like a complete idiot before Alice's thoughts shattered my stupor.

_Do you want to drive? _ Her thoughts were laden with sorrow and lust for a different car. I kept watching and was rewarded with a glimpse of a stolen yellow Porsche. If the situation at hand wasn't so painful, I'd laugh at my sister.

I denied her offer with a shake of my head, not wanting Bella out of my arms for longer than absolutely necessary. It was selfish and ludicrous to think that Bella would prefer my embrace over Alice's, but that didn't matter at the moment. While she didn't hug me back or respond, she didn't push me away. For now, at least until I apologized, there wouldn't be any clarity for me.

I was a coward and I knew it. I held my tongue.

"You can sleep now, Bella," I told her with relief. Maybe now she would fall into unconsciousness, and she could finally melt into my embrace like she used to. "It's over."

The tiniest whimper of pain came from her throat. _Edward, be careful,_ Alice reprimanded sternly. It didn't take me long to realize what she'd read into my words.

Before I could reassure her that what I felt for her could never come to an end, would never be "over," she took a breath and said, "I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired."

This time apart had not made me immune to knowing when she was lying. It comforted me very slightly to know that whatever I'd destroyed in her, her ability to lie stayed the exact same.

I brushed my hands over her face, touching her silky hair hesitantly. "Try," I begged. No doubt the lack of sleep was only making her feel worse.

Her only response was to shake her head and keep her beautiful brown eyes fixed on my face. I sighed and allowed it. What could I deny her now? Who was I to tell her otherwise?

Alice saw my internal struggle and very thoughtfully kept her mind silent during our two-hour drive. I kept touching Bella's luminous face, placing kisses along her hairline and face as I thought.

There was an almost insurmountable amount of things I needed to repent for. To my family, to Alice, and to Bella in particular.

I'd start with thinking about my family. My parents had been hurt, Esme in particular. She'd had solace in Carlisle, true, but I knew that she'd taken it the hardest. Everyone in our family knew how she'd become a vampire- her jump off the cliff. The reason for that had been loss of a child. Even though I was technically not her child in biological terms, she loved me even more due to the amount of years we had together.

My sweet mother had suffered the exact same thing when I'd deserted our family. Her pain must have been terrible, crushing. In return, that would have hurt Carlisle. He had respected my decision with an almost saint-like manner even though he was against it. That was just the man he was. No matter my intentions, hurting the people who'd given me as close to a real life as possible was inexcusable.

Emmett had given me help even when we weren't together. He had tried to persuade me over the phone to return home, and though I denied each time, hearing his voice and hearing about my family was almost the greatest gift I could have received in those dark times.

I would not spend an iota of time thinking of his treacherous wife. I gritted my teeth so hard my jaw creaked when I pictured her and remembered the inconsiderate phone call she'd graced me with. This was all her fault.

I reprimanded myself immediately. Of course it wasn't her fault. The blame was completely my own. I had done this- left my family, torn them apart, and most heinously, I'd broken Bella, the most important thing in my world. No one had been there for her, because I'd snatched them all away against everyone's will. The dedication of my siblings, especially Alice and Jasper, was staggering.

My thoughts returned to Jasper. I didn't blame him now- I never had. Once, I'd thought that in my selfish mind, I would blame him for all of this. How could I be angry with him for what he was? For what we all were? Technically, my brother had suffered the most out of my family. His unusual ability had forced him to feel his pain, his guilt, multiplied with everyone else's. It was a wonder he still spoke to me.

At least, he had spoken to me before my idiotic decision to kill myself. It had dragged Alice into Volterra, his wife, his reason for existence.

This led me to regard the pixie vampire in front of me, driving the car. She fought against me when I had left, denying my thoughts that Bella meant less to them. Not only had I taken away her home, I'd taken her sister. And as if I'd never hurt her, she completely disregarded that when I was in trouble.

There was something wrong with me. There was something completely and seriously wrong with me. This was how I treated the ones I loved. I hurt them. I stole their families and happiness.

We reached the airport in record time. I couldn't hold back a smile when Alice stepped out of the car and regarded it, comparing it with the Porsche. _You better keep your promise. Christmas_, she reminded me. I nodded and pulled Bella with me from the car. She still stumbled over nothing but her own feet.

Out of all of this, I'd hurt Bella the most. The magnificent human girl sitting beside me was a ghost of the woman she once was. No matter what I'd assumed, no matter what my apologies could be, she gave me the greatest gift on this Earth- her love. My response had been to throw it away like garbage and break her heart. Hindsight granted me these brutal revelations. My intentions were good, of that there was no doubt, but what did it matter now?

The best laid plans…


	2. Chapter 2

**I know I only started this today, but I wasn't expecting many people to read. But a lot of you have! YAY! So now, I shall give you the second chapter. Overall I think there'll be about four or five, but until we get there, here's chapter two!**

**P.S. A lot of you have read this story. I see lots of readers but I have no reviews. Reviews make me happy, so if you wouldn't mind dropping a review, it'd be greatly appreciated. I'm super new at writing for and I want to know how you all feel about it! Love you all!**

I trusted Alice to take care of our flight plans. I would have helped, but my attention would not leave Bella. While she led Bella and me over to the ticket counter, it did not slip my attention that the blonde behind the counter was regarding Bella with some pity. This was maybe the first human I'd come across who looked at Bella before ogling my vampire family.

_Poor girl. She looks so sick. Look at those eyes, how thin she is…_

She smiled, overly friendly, at us before checking us in quickly. "Your flight will be in approximately one hour. Feel free to head towards the gate, or wander around until boarding."

Alice's thoughts were sarcastic. _Wander where? This airport has nothing in it. If only we'd had time to shop before coming here. Did you know that Italy is bested only by a few other places? This is one of the fashion capitols of the world…_ My sister never failed to amaze me. Her dedication to a brother was stunning. Instead of punishing me with painful images of Bella or our family, she simply forced her thoughts on other things.

"By the way, Edward, I cannot stand to look at you anymore. Those clothes are filthy, and lucky for you, I managed to bring new things!" Nothing cheered my sister up like playing dress-up, no matter who it was with. She bounded over to me and handed me a small backpack containing simple jeans and a black shirt. Even though they didn't grab attention, I knew they had to be of finest cloth.

"Go! Go change," she chirped. Her hands shoved my back, but I resisted. Bella's eyes had gone huge with fear at the mention of my departure. Her frail fingers tightened around mine until they turned a sickly white.

"Are you okay if I go change?" Bella met my gaze with a wide-eyed, slightly dazed one. I could see her muscles tense and her heart began to beat faster and faster. My stomach bottomed out. I had done this to her.

She visibly relaxed after a moment as she reinforced a wooden, expressionless face. My throat closed up, and it was not due to her scent or the venom the sound of her racing pulse used to entice. I recognized that face. It had haunted me for the hellish months I'd been apart from Bella. It was the same face I'd seen reflected in her eyes as she asked, "_You don't… want me_?"

It was the same face I'd worn as I'd lied, "_No_."

"I'll be fine," she said in her sweet, honey-clear voice. Another forgery of the truth. Her shaking hands and shallow breaths contradicted her words.

"How about you change while I change?" I offered gently. "I'll meet you outside the restroom as soon as you finished, alright?" I tried hard to make my words soft and I wanted to sound trustworthy. I was completely sure in my dedication to her. She, however, was not.

Her nod was fast as she snatched the other bag from Alice. I disappeared into the bathroom and changed in three seconds flat. I didn't care that the other man in the room gaped at me as I emerged from the stall in a different outfit. His confused thoughts intruded on my serenity.

The other man left, leaving me alone in front of a row of mirrors. With a sigh, I finally looked up and faced myself.

What I saw was, of course, a perfect duplication of my face in the glass. My bronze hair was untidy but not unclean. Black eyes glared. My jaw was still clenched tightly. Staring at myself was making me sick and angry. This was the person who had hurt Bella so much she could barely communicate. She could not sleep. She wouldn't eat. Any mention of me leaving, even for a second, terrified her. I wished Jasper was here so that I could get a reading on what her emotions were, how she was feeling.

A crack reached my numb ears and I stepped back, horrified to see that my hands had broken the porcelain sink. I really was a menace. Rampaging around, breaking things at will with no self-control. I froze completely as I wondered if Bella now thought the same thing. Perhaps she realized that when she'd been abandoned in the forest, broken, crying, and alone. Perhaps the reason for her emotionless appearance was that her heart belonged to another now.

Remembering my promise to be outside when Bella was finished, I turned my back on the monster in the mirror and shoved my way out the door.

Alice leaned on the wall outside, already having changed. Her clothes were impeccable, as was her entire appearance. Even her thoughts were calm. Had I not experienced it with her, there would have been no way to tell she had almost suffered destruction at the hands of centuries-old, sadistic vampires. Her head whipped around as I came to stand beside her; it was obvious she sensed my discomfort and fear. She grinned up at me as she showed me a vision of Bella emerging from the bathroom. She was wearing my favorite snug blue sweater and nice sweatpants; she threw herself into my arms and held me tight.

For the hundredth time in the past forty-eight hours, my eyes pricked with the tears I could not cry. "You've been far too good to me, Alice."

"You're completely right," she said, her face instantly darkening. Her moods could change on the turn of a dime. "Do you have _any_ idea what you've done to us? To Esme? To me? What about to Bella?"

I grimaced and pulled a hand through my messy hair. No, I didn't know- but I was sure her former Confederate husband would have no problem letting me feel the emotions when I got home. As it was, Alice let a few memories leak from her mind to mine. The first was Alice's memory of the near-fateful vision.

_The family sat in the den. Alice was arranging flowers on the mantle. Rose was nowhere to be seen, but her husband was half-heartedly racing Jasper with a car game on the console wired to the T.V. Esme and Carlisle were hand-in-hand on the couch, watching the screen with blank eyes._

_For outsiders, it wasn't obvious that anything was wrong. But there was no life in that room. They were simply going through the motions. The only word that came to mind was lifeless._

_The bland state was shattered an instant later by Alice's scream. The vase slipped from her fingers and shattered on the ground. She whipped around and collapsed to her knees, hands pressed to her temples and eyes screwed shut._

_Jasper threw himself at her, pulling her up and shaking her. She had gone completely limp, like a rag doll. _

"_What is it, Alice?" growled Jasper urgently. "Is it Edward?"_

"_Bella!" she wailed, sobbing into his shoulder. The family was on their feet. Rosalie had descended the stairs curiously, brushing her hair and flipping if over her shoulders. _

"_She's gone!" wailed Alice. "I just saw her jump… She won't come back up!"_

_There was dead silence for a moment. "You mean she..." Esme could not finish and sank down onto the sofa with her hands over her mouth. Carlisle sat with her and pulled her into his arms. Clouds covered the sky outside, casting an eerie gloom onto the scene. _

_Jasper was pacing furiously. "What do we do? Call Edward! He'll go and-"_

_Alice's eyes were wild with horror. "No, he can't! She's already at the cliff! NO!"_

_Emmett's eyes were dark with pain. "Little sis…" he whispered. His wife did not share the same sadness as he clearly did. Her eyes did hold a tiny piece of regret, but there was plotting behind her picture-perfect exterior. She left silently and retreated back upstairs. I heard vaguely the punches of tiny buttons on a cell phone, and I knew exactly who she was calling and what she was going to say._

_Alice suddenly shot up the stairs and came back down with a big bag. The family stared at her, confused and bewildered._

"_I have to go. I'll comfort Charlie, I'll do anything! I can't just sit here." Her voice was rock hard with complete concentration. Emmett uncertainly put himself between Alice and the door. Jasper tried to send waves of calm her way, but she shot them looks of ice._

"_My sister is going to die! Get out of my way!" she shrieked. They both froze. Alice let one more sob escape her control as she threw herself forward and grabbed Jasper in a tight hug. "I'll call you, Jazz," she whispered before racing out the door._

I cringed as the hard images assaulted my brain. Alice sighed, and her tiny hand met my shoulder. _You know I don't want to show you that. But it seems you have a tendency to wallow in self-pity. I was just helping you out. _Her fist connected with my shoulder in a playful punch. _Just remember that if you ever do anything like this to our family or Bella again, _I _will smack the hell out of you. Got it?_ Her ocher eyes were completely serious, tinged with mild anger.

"I know, Alice. Thank you- for everything- for Bella."

Just as I finished my sentence, Bella struggled to push the door open to see me standing opposite the hall from her. The outfit she had on emphasized her frailty as well as her maturity and beauty. It took my breath away. Her stunning eyes went wide with disbelief and overwhelming relief as she jumped into my arms.

This girl in my arms was the reason for existence. Her life was enough to justify the creation of the world. No matter how I treated her, she still threw herself back in my arms and held onto me like I was a life preserver and she was drowning.

She pulled back when Alice hemmed uncomfortably. "Our plane is boarding now," she insisted.

Bella pulled away but kept a vice-tight grip on my hand. We made our way to the door and Alice gave the male attendant our tickets. His thoughts were extremely lewd as his eyes glazed over when he saw my sister. She didn't have to be a mind reader to tell what he was thinking.

Alice, who not only a moment ago had been smiling at Bella and skipping along, let her eyes darken as she unleashed her angry glare on the man. She conspicuously tapped the counter with her hand, making sure her huge wedding ring was in full view. "Excuse me, sir, we're in quite a bit of a hurry." Her voice was nothing but steel and ice.

The poor man was terrified as he handed her ticket back. "Have a nice flight," he stuttered in a thick accent. Satisfied with herself, Alice strutted down the aisle to the plane with smug thoughts. I followed more slowly with Bella. Fatigue and her unhealthy state didn't allow her to travel very fast. She held fast onto my hand as I handed our tickets to him.

The thoughts that had just been focused on Alice were now on my Bella. _Not as good, but I'd take it. Look at that frame…_ I couldn't help but let out a snarl as his thoughts became just as rude. He was even more scared of me then Alice.

"H-here you go," he whispered before closing the door behind us. My arms were now tight around Bella. I matched her step for step down the aisle. I could still feel a growl rumbling in my chest and willed it to die down.

Bella was shaking in my arms. I looked down, worried that I'd scared her. "What's wrong?"

When she showed her face, she could not have shocked me more. Her chocolate eyes sparked with laughter. Her cheeks actually pulled up in a smile. The beauty was radiating from her. It was my automatic response to smile right back. "Why are you laughing?"

"You scared the crap out of him," she giggled. She finally met my gaze, and I grinned again. But her smile faded just as fast. In her eyes, I could see recognition snap into place, the memories filling her mind.

"_You don't want me?"_

"_No."_

Her face turned forward again, the sadness and loneliness crushing. I clenched my fists as another wave of self-loathing hit me. What had I done to this angel? My only thought as I stared at her was, "I'm so sorry. It's been so long without you, love."

**Poor Edward and Bella. ****. The next chapter will bring the part I'm really excited about: the plane ride! See you then.**


	3. Chapter 3- Rome

**I'm thrilled with the feedback I've been given. Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I definitely see myself continuing with this story and my other stories alike. Remember to R&R please!**

**This chapter is the start of the plane ride. I know that the book states that Edward and Bella are silent during this time, but I envision that seventeen hours is a long time without words. And so they do talk indeed (nothing serious, just drabbling).**

I sat cautiously in my seat next to Bella. Alice was in the row in front of us, where none of the passing men dared sit beside her. She gave them the same frosty stares as the man who checked our tickets.

The worry would not leave my head that it would be impossible to repent my sins to my favorite brother and sister. Jasper and I would have much to discuss, seeing as he viewed the entire thing his fault; and yet I'd dragged his wife into hell and back. That would be a prickly and unpleasant conversation that we undoubtedly needed to have.

I watched Alice's visions of the future as she looked for her husband. There were many scenarios involving me, but the one she was focused on was their reunion. There were many thoughts about him flitting through Alice's mind, so the outcome was different. The only thing that didn't change was the fact that they indeed saw each other.

During our brief visit with Aro in Volterra, he'd been so volatile that the future would change every few minutes. It relieved Alice that no matter what decisions either of them made, the Forks airport would bring them face to face.

She could tell that I was looking in her future. _Instead of focusing on what will come, why don't you pay attention to Bella? You've barely said five words to her since we got out of Volterra! Look, Edward, look at the expression on her face. She thinks you're ignoring her._

She was right. I turned to face Bella and found her staring blankly out the dark window. While her face was stony, her eyes were blazing. The expression behind her eyes tugged at my heart. They were pools of pain and despair and desperation.

"Are you alright?" I asked, reaching out towards her.

When she looked at me, her expression stopped me in an instant flat. She forced her face into a smile that made me sick to look at. There was no happiness, none at all. "I'm okay. I just… don't like planes." The way her lips moved enticed me. How I wanted to kiss them, to show her my love and adoration. During the car ride from Volterra, she'd allowed me to kiss the rest of her face. Maybe she was afraid. Or maybe her lips were not mine to kiss any longer.

Had my horrible plan worked? When I'd told her to move on from me, to forget, what if she'd done just that? My entire body seized up as I pictured one of those unworthy humans holding her hand, taking my place with her at lunch, sitting beside her at our biology table.

We took off soon after. I remembered the girl's discomfort on planes. Her eyes were screwed shut and her hands gripped the armrests, nails digging in, as the plane angled upwards towards the sky. I recognized and opportunity and wasted no time in pulling her hand into mine, rubbing it soothingly with my thumb. Her head snapped towards me, eyes wide with an emotion I couldn't identify. I was just about to pull my hand away when her fingers became tighter around mine.

After being alone for so long, my body really did resemble the stone it was, in regards to temperature. I felt neither the warmth of humidity nor the hot strains of the sun. Feeling Bella's fingers in mine was indescribable.

We sat like that until the captain announced our descent not forty minutes later. Bella sighed; she'd just gotten settled into the seat. "Don't worry," I forced my voice to be light. "The next flight will be longer. You'll have time to sleep."

That flash of pain ricocheted across her eyes before she forcibly calmed herself down. My broken girl. I wished that now was the time I could finally drop to my knees and apologize, and beg for her to take me back, but it wasn't. Not somewhere so impersonal. "I don't want to sleep."

"Bella, I can tell how tired you are. If you could see the circles under your eyes-"

"Those aren't just from one missed night of sleep," she interrupted quietly.

I sighed before pulling her hand to mine and kissing it softly. The plane's engine whined as we neared the earth, and over the sound of the clanking metal was the soundtrack to my life, Bella's heart, thumping erratically. This gave me a second's pause as I continued to trace nonsensical patterns on her hand, her fingers. Was it possible, no matter what life she'd built without me in Forks, that I still dazzled her? That her silence and miscommunications were just sleep deprivation and hunger? While my silent heart willed it to be so, my head cautioned that it was unlikely to be so simple.

Alice trotted off the plane in front of us, yanking the cell phone out of her bag and dialing Jasper. I overheard the conversation as I took Bella's bag and helped her stand.

"Alice?" Jasper's voice was strained and hopeful.

"It's me, Jazz."

"Thank God." His words were simple, but held emotion that even I could feel. His relief was staggering. "You're safe?"

"We all are," answered Alice happily. Was that a hint of smugness I detected in her tone? Of course. We'd almost been destroyed by the police of the vampire world, and even though they'd promised a "check-up," Alice still saw it as a victory.

They continued to talk as I stared down at my Bella. I knew of all the possibilities that awaited me in Forks, but I could not stop thinking of her as mine. MY Bella. I always had and always would be hers, and I wanted to think that no matter what, the same would be true in a flipped situation.

The airport in Rome was bigger, much more extravagant than the one in Italy. I passed Alice en route to the food court as I murmured, "Finally, an opportunity to shop." Her elbow met my ribs in a playful gesture as I pulled Bella along past her.

She vehemently denied food, but was eager to down sodas. Curiosity dominated me as I bought any and all food that she didn't look at with disgust. She asked timidly for a Coke, and though I knew she didn't like the flavor very much, I denied her nothing now.

We sat at a small table in the corner, away from probing eyes and thoughts. Bella put both her arms on the table, using one to eat with, and using one to prop herself up. Tentatively, using my newfound theory that she was hiding her true emotions, I reached out and traced my fingers along her arm. Her other hand froze for a moment. Her heart stuttered again, exactly like it had on the plane. I watched the chocolate brown eyes that I loved for a moment. Hope was the emotion that widened her eyes and brought them to meet mine.

Wanting more than anything to confirm the realization buried deep within her, I smiled softly as I pulled her hand into both of mine. Her hand trembled for a moment before she gave me a brittle smile and returned her focus to her meal. I didn't remove my hands. I knew she knew how I felt. I had to believe that, or I would break down.

That tiny smile, no matter how brief, was a smile nonetheless. Her face was absolutely stunning as she smiled, and I didn't deserve to be graced with it. But I didn't care.

"I'm done," she whispered. I was surprised she was done so early, but when I looked down, I saw that she'd barely consumed anything. Regret filled me yet again when the realization came that I'd stolen from her the urge to eat. No wonder she was so thin. She did, however, finish the large soda she was drinking. The vigor with which she drank reminded me of the first time we had dinner.

I pulled Bella up, dispelling my melancholy thoughts. We were boarding soon, heading back to where she'd be safe, in her home.

Our home.

**Oh Edward, you're such a masochist. It's just part of the reason we love him! **

**P.S. I think I'm going to write a chapter for each plane ride- from Italy to Rome, from Rome to Atlanta, and Atlanta to Forks. Expect two or three more! Next chapter should be up in a couple of days.**

**Also… Review! **


	4. Chapter 4-Sinner

**I knew I said this would be the plane ride, but it's going to be Alice showing Edward what Bella suffered. I wanted a little Edward self-wallowing. And sorry, it's pretty short. I pinky promise the next two will be longer. **

**Don't forget to review/favorite!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, quotes, or any part of the Twilight series. That belongs to the amazing Stephanie Meyer. I'm just playing in her sandbox.**

Bella got settled once again before I stepped beside her and fastened my seat belt. She watched my hands, and began to copy my motions.

That tiny smile she'd given me in the airport both saddened me and encouraged me. So, using that newfound bravado, I opened my arms for her. I was giving her the choice of denying me or accepting me. Since I'd stolen all of her choices up to this point, from this point on it would always be her choice.

A furrowed brow showed me that she was willing, but uncertain. I wondered what she could possibly be uncertain about now. Did she somehow misconstrue my actions? To me that was impossible. But then again, it might be crazy for her to trust me now. After all, I had promised in Phoenix that I would stay, and not soon after I'd abandoned her alone, in the forest, right before nightfall. I'd said that I loved her and that she was what mattered most. My contradiction to that was that I was tired of pretending to love her and that she was a distraction to me.

The tiny crease between her eyes deepened adorably before she curled herself into my side. Seeing this amount of fear and desperation from her twisted the stone lump in my chest that doubled as a heart. No matter how hard she tried to hide it with wooden stares and blank expressions, it leaked through her control.

_You're wallowing,_ thought Alice, kicking the back of my seat.

She was right. But I couldn't stop, not with the knowledge that I might have shattered Bella's beautiful soul. I stared down at her, fighting my urges to crush her to my chest and kiss her repeatedly. No matter how unhealthy and pained she was, beauty and grace shone out of her like I was staring into the sun.

I'd been given an enormous miracle by her loving me, a damned soul. Some fantastic twist of fate had made Bella think that I was worthy enough to have her. There was no doubt in my mind that she was a fallen angel. There was no other explanation for how amazing and spectacular she was.

Carlisle had pondered about the existence of God, and if there was one, whether or not there was life in Heaven after this life. He believed it was so. He was good enough, never having tasted the blood of a human, saving lives on a regular basis, to be up in Heaven. I, on the other hand, hadn't thought for a second that I would be welcomed at the golden gates. My murders in the darker stages of life, whether or not the humans had been innocent, were still sins. Irrevocable sins.

As I had stood in the alley in Volterra, memories of Bella overwhelmed my mind. The moment we met, our first kiss, all the times she'd said "I love you", her letter in Phoenix, watching her sleep; those were just the highlights. I had hoped briefly that I would somehow find Bella in my afterlife. Of course, that was ludicrous. Bella would never end up in Hell. She was an angel, after all.

When her arms had met mine, and she tried to tell me I was alive, I'd believed God existed for a second. How else would Bella and I be together? Maybe we'd met somewhere in the middle of Heaven and Hell.

I now believed God existed, because it was true: that middle ground we'd met was earth; we were both alive and well, other than being at the fate of the sadistic Volturi. Besides showing me to Bella in the first place, God had again intervened and led her to save me. I didn't know why, but I absolutely wasn't going to contest it.

There would be no more chances for me. I had tortured, abandoned, and broken this beautiful angel.

A very small amount of time had passed as I sorted this all out in my mind. It was a topic I'd covered extensively before, and even more since I'd met Bella. Limitless time alone was enough to make someone go insane, even without being a freak who heard people's thoughts. And without the added bonus of constant, crippling pain.

I remembered so clearly the feeling of driving away from Forks: the clawing and tearing sensation that my body was breaking apart, that every cell in my body was screaming to go back, to return to Bella where she was crying in the forest. I hated her crying more than anything, and this time, I'd caused it.

Alice's memories were overwhelming, of Bella's tear-soaked face in her sleep. Charlie's description of "lifeless" bounced around in my head, mocking me. His pure fury as he thought of me. I thought we'd been making progress since the attack in Phoenix, and that type of rage could only derive from someone hurting his daughter to the point of no return.

No return… That couldn't be so. I wouldn't allow it. There had to be some way to fix the damage that I had caused Bella. And even if it wasn't, I would spend forever trying to make it up to her. As I traced her face and leaned in to kiss her forehead, I left my lips there for a moment and made a promise to her. Since my actions were clearly not convincing her, I would do _and _say anything she wanted (after I apologized to her). If she decided that she wanted me to return to Italy and die, that's what I would do. If she wished that she didn't have to see my face again… the thought re-opened my scars. But I would do it.

I was scared, terrified to my very core that when we got back to Forks, she would be the one to shove me out the door and close it in my face. She had every right, but no one was worthy of her. No one was good enough to hold her, make her laugh, sit with her in school and drive her home every day.

Least of all, I reminded myself, me.


	5. Chapter 5 (Preview)

**I'm sorry I haven't updated- it's been awhile and the chapter I wrote got deleted, much to my dismay. I'm in the process of writing it again (suckfest) and it should be up tonight/tomorrow/Sunday hopefully.**

**Please review/ add to favorites. I really appreciate feedback, no matter what type, because it lets me know that you guys like it and want me to write more.**

**Until Sunday!**

**P.S. This next chapter will contain the flight from Rome to Atlanta, and Edward is now finally seeing Bella's emotions and he wonders what the cause could me. More masochism from this tortured soul. **


	6. Chapter 5-The Repercussions

**Here it is, finally! Yay. Sorry for the delay, I hope you're not too mad at me. This is the plane to Atlanta, where Edward finally lets himself focus on Bella and he wonders about how she's doing and how he can fix what he did wrong.**

**Read, favorite, and review.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Twilight, or quotes from New Moon. That is all Stephanie Meyer's.**

_Edward, knock it off. I can almost feel your tension. Focus on Bella. You have no idea what she feels right now… it's worse than you imagine. _

Alice's reprimand snapped my attention back into place, and I fixed my eyes on the near-catatonic girl curled into my side. Her bottom lip was caught between her teeth, worried until it was swollen and red. Those chocolate brown eyes that used to gaze at me with love and trust were blank, but red-rimmed from exhaustion and crying. I didn't know if she hid her emotions to protect herself or to protect me.

"May I have a Coke, please?" she asked, sweet and quiet, signaling to the flight attendant. A sudden rage dominated me for a half a second as I glared at the woman who received Bella's shy smile. Jealousy was dangerous, and I knew that, but it leaked through my control. After all, it wasn't this stranger's fault that Bella didn't want to smile at me anymore. In fact, she should be horrified she had to look at my face.

The drink was delivered in a small plastic cup with ice. Bella took a small sip and swallowed quickly as the woman began so sashay away with the can still full. "Can you please leave the can?" A hint of satisfaction brightened her face when the soda was in her fingers.

"Bella," I said sternly. I had seen her on caffeine; she got shaky and nervous. Coupled with her current state, I was worried about her sanity.

She cringed slightly at my reprimand. Who did I think I was to tell her she was wrong, when I was currently holding the universal title of wrong-doer? I rushed to take it back, but before I spoke, she opened her mouth. "I don't want to sleep. If I close my eyes, I'll see thing I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."

The argument I had planned crumbled into dust in less than a second. Guilt swirled into my mind and my mouth stayed shut. No, of course she didn't want to sleep. What if her thoughts held memories of Volterra, and her sleeping brain conjured up all the alternate options Alice had seen? Brutal violence, the searing pain of a vampire bite, and her life being drained away by one of the sadistic guardsmen were just a few instances we'd managed to avoid.

No matter what her nightmares were, she still preferred to see me over dark dreams. That brought me a sick kind of joy. It was impossible for me to keep my hands to myself anymore. My arm was already around her, holding her selfishly close to me. I traced my fingers across her face while reveling in the beauty that turned to face me.

Her eyes fixed on mine with a surprising intensity. And, damn me if I was wrong, I saw the hurt pouring from her decrease a minute degree when I softened my gaze and gave her a smile. The beating of her heart stuttered slightly and she raised her hand to my face. I was breathless as her hand copied my circuit across her skin.

The light brush of her fingers on my cheek was a gift I'd never expected to have again. The happiness got away from me, and I made a decision that hurt Bella even more. I let my fingers do the same things they had when I first touched her: first, I pulled my fingertips across her cheek, and then I pulled the back of my hand from her temple to her chin.

Shock crossed her face before her body curled in on itself and she pulled her hand away from me. Her fingers had left a surprisingly warm trail where she'd touched my skin, like I'd been burned but didn't feel the pain yet. The door that'd been opened in her eyes slammed shut, shoving back in place the blank mask. I didn't want her to have to hide from me. She didn't have to hide from me. I wanted her, and I wanted all of her, especially since her thoughts were still a mystery.

I wanted so badly to make up for my mistakes somehow, recent and for the ones seven months ago.

The block of fear in my stomach weighed even more harshly on my frayed nerves. It was glaringly obvious that my chaste caresses weren't helping her sadness in the least. I had no idea what was the key to removing the uncertainty from her was.

Watching her in pain was immeasurably agonizing. Memories of the ballet studio were returning to my consciousness, faster as the plane soared over the ocean: her cries from the heat of the fire, the broken bones, the loss of blood, leaving her face ashen, her lips paler than the usual rosy pink.

However much pain she was in, the only real likenesses between the two situations was that firstly, I was the cause of her torment, and second, that same paleness to her beautiful face.

James' attack had left her physically mauled. Her body had been unable to move, weighed down with plaster and casts and braces. She had been bruised and broken, tortured and drained of her precious life's blood.

What I had done was ten thousand times worse. Bella's body was healed. It had healed generally quickly, taking less than two months. A shattered soul was something that I knew from experience was impossible to fix. My soul had been shattered back in 1918, when I'd become a vampire, and then damned when my rebellious years had brought death to countless human lives.

_Go to Hell,_ I swore at myself angrily. Here Bella was, the selfless girl who'd run into almost certain death just to save me, and I was brooding about how I was damned. That topic was old news, and I was sure she perceived the dark look on my face to mean I was upset to be in her presence.

Her internal injuries were so, so much worse than external bruises. Bella's trauma was extensive and deeper than I'd thought before, and instead of trusting that I would heal her, she closed herself away. Perhaps I'd let her rescue cloud the truth- she had wanted to save me, but she wanted no part of me beyond that.

God forbid that I waste any more of the precious seconds with her wallowing in self-pity. It wasn't about me. It was, and always had been, about my sweet Bella.

Selfish though it was, I kept touching her face, pressing her harder into my side. Without her touch, I was sure my eyes would deceive me, and she would disappear into the horrible void created by her death. I was afraid that she would leave me forever, and I was scared even now that my mind had snapped and she was just an amazing figment of my imagination.

All of these awful emotions pulsing through me were hard to repel. And I was positive that those were what showing out of me, not my adoration for the angelic girl who risked her precious life just to save me.

Bella sucked in a rattling breath when the captain announced our imminent arrival in Atlanta. Her breath came in pants as she asked timidly, "How long is the next flight?"

"About three hours," I answered. I was horrified when her face twisted in pain and her left hand clenched so hard that her nails dug half-moons into the white skin of her palm. The other hand reached out shakily to grasp her soda. She swirled it around in the cup as she fought to control her expression once again.

Once she was calm, I asked, "What's the matter?"

"I'm just trying to make it last," she whispered, tortured.

Confusion dominated me. "You can get another one on the next plane if you insist on staying up again." I worked hard to keep my voice light.

A sad frown tugged at her lips when the words left my mouth. She did not respond.

I was worried. What if she rejected my attempts to apologize? What if her affections for me had turned to disgust? Again, I turned my thoughts back to her once I started to pity myself.

My internal struggle was insignificant as long as she was in pain.

She was all that mattered.

**Oh my god, this is seriously making me sad to write. But I'm happy that you guys are finally getting to read Edward's side of the story. Since he's a vampire, he has a considerable amount more thoughts than Bella (no offense.) Alright, until next time, thank you all for reading! Review/favorite.**


	7. Chapter 6- Memories

_My God this was hard to write. Writer's block has gotten me this week. Alright, this is either the final chapter… or…_** if you people review and tell me you want me to continue, I can finish the book through Edward's eyes****. **_But I can't do that unless I get feedback…._

**Disclaimer: Does not belong to me.**

The airport of Atlanta was more barren than usual this early in the morning. Most of the humans we passed were groggy from the early hour. My Bella's weariness had nothing to do with the hour- more that, all things considered, she'd been awake for two days straight without a wink of sleep.

Her strength amazed me, even now, as she stumbled through the airport unable to walk without my assistance. Her physical "weaknesses" were inconsequential. She was the strongest being I'd ever known. The odds were forever not in her favor, and yet Bella found a way to overcome each roadblock that came her way.

Even though I knew she was no longer mine, I felt a sense of pride, and admiration. She was more than I ever could dream of attempting to be.

"Can I…" she motioned towards the women's bathroom quickly.

"Of course," I answered, my words getting stuck in my throat briefly. It hurt me to say this for two reasons. One, allowing her to go would let her out of my sight, which was inexcusable to me now. Second, the fear that sparked in her eyes was hard to stomach. Each time she looked at a clock, or I told her what time we had, or any mention of having me away from her twisted her pretty face into a mask of every emotion she didn't deserve to feel.

She broke away from me only to turn back an instant later. "You'll wait right here?" she asked timidly, grabbing my hand and pulling me to right outside the door.

"I'll be right here," I swore. My promise was laden with double meaning. I would always be there for her, no matter if she wanted me or not. I moved off to the side, away from the curious eyes of humans that were thinking out of control. A small alcove presented itself to me, and I tucked myself behind the protruding wall to shelter myself.

She only spent about thirty more seconds in the bathroom before the door opened again. My mistake was obvious in that second: she could not see me. I was hidden.

I heard her heart speed up suddenly. "Edward?" she cried.

My muscles locked down, preparing for the raging pain that voice brought. My mind suddenly unlocked and all the memories I'd shoved away came rushing back into the forefront of my mind.

"_Take care of yourself."_

_With these words, I felt everything inside me flowing away, leaving only my diamond exterior as a shell of the man that had once been Edward Cullen. Everything inside of me was gone, maybe to Hell, I did not know. _

_It was impossible, but I unlocked my hands from her warm wrists, took my lips from her skin, and fled._

_The trees blurred by as I forced my feet faster, pounding against the earth desperately. They were the only part of my body that was listening to the rational piece of my brain. There was only a tiny part that was telling me to continue on. The rest was screaming silently, shrieking violently to go back, save both of us by apologizing, to drop down on my knees and beg for her to take me back._

_I was not far enough away for my hearing to have faded. Her heartbeat was fast, like she was breathing erratically. Suddenly, she sucked in a breath._

"_Edward?"_

_My legs collapsed and I was on my hands and knees as pain exploded inside my chest, radiating through every limb, every cell in my body. I was blinded from the loss in her voice._

"_Edward!"_

_This was hurting her far more that I'd anticipated. I knew that I would pretend she'd be alright, better off without me. But hearing it, knowing that I was the cause of her torture… I couldn't stay where I was._

_I would stay where I was. My fingers dug futilely into the earth, needing something to anchor me in place to prevent me from returning to her. _

_A frightening noise was tearing through the air, a mix of a snarl and moaning. I looked up, sadistically eager. Perhaps there was a wild animal, and returning to my Bella would be necessary- to protect her, of course._

"_Edward," Bella cried through her tears, beginning to run through the trees. "Please."_

_The noise intensified, becoming more pained. With a shock, I realized that was the sound of my sobs. Had I been human, I would be crying. But because I was a vampire, the noise was coming out wrong, coming out as the keening of a dying animal._

_Being that damned being, I didn't go back and save the broken, crying angel._

_I struggled to my feet and ran._

The horrible memory propelled me to show myself as quickly as possible.

Each time I saw her face looking like this, it felt like someone was stabbing me with a serrated knife. Her eyes were guarded; she didn't expect anything. She was hoping, but trying not to. A long-buried human instinct was shaking loose inside of me: to hold her in my arms, tuck her into my lap, and cry with her. I wanted to cry, to have my agony leak out of me as an outlet.

The same thing happened here as in the first airport. Bella's exquisite brown eyes widened in relief and joy when she saw me. But in the very next second, her faulty reality hit and her face twitched into a cast of searing, ripping agony. Bella should never feel that type of pain. There was no excuse. She was the kind of person that when people saw they were hurting, it was their natural instinct to go over and attempt to help. Thoughts from passing humans ranged from sympathetic to wondering to sadness for her.

Without knowing, I'd frozen in place from the look in her eyes, displayed on her expressive features. It was all I could do to stay in my human façade when her gaze raised to mine and she looked defeated. Beaten down. To avoid breaking more Volturi rules with them so hot on our trails, I had to stay completely still or I would run to her, take her in my arms, and hide away with her, somewhere secluded so that I could beg for her forgiveness and finally confess my sins. The truth was fighting to break free with each second that passed.

I watched her every move. From the look on her face, I half expected her to turn away from me and refuse to look at me again. Instead, she stunned me once more by walking to me, stretching up on her tiptoes, and wrapping her thin arms around my neck. No matter how much I bruised her spirit, she still showered me with undeserving affection. And I thought, with every fiber of my being, _I love you._

She thudded against my chest and the breath whooshed out of her when I embraced her back fiercely, trying to convey my love the cowardly way. My strength was getting away from me; danger for Bella. I refused to hurt her any more, no matter what way, and so I had to let her go before I could do something really dangerous.

Bella was far too tired to hide her real emotions anymore, but she kept her eyes down and head turned away from me. I wanted so desperately to ask her what was wrong, yet that wouldn't be correct, to query her while she was so upset and hurt.

When we sat on the plane, I could no longer bear to look at the loneliness and desolation that was emanating from just her frame. I leaned forward, placed my elbows on my knees, and put my head into my hands.

We sat without speaking until the plane lifted off the ground. The pressure in the cabin was extremely uncomfortable with my heightened senses, but it was nothing compared to the battle raging inside me.

I heard Bella's hand reaching out, and I was just about to look up to see what she wanted when her warm fingers touched my hair.

I stopped moving. Her hand began to move, brushing through my tangled hair, her nails scratching lightly against my scalp. Somehow, she always knew how to take care of me.

"I'm sorry you're so unhappy," she said quietly.

My head snapped up to look into her eyes, silently asking if she was serious. Despite the fact that I was hurting because she was in pain, I had never been so happy in my entire life. Not when I'd realized I loved her, not when I saved her in the ballet studio, and not even all the times she told me she loved me. This was better than all of it.

Her hand stilled and she withdrew it slowly, eyes wide, looking at me as though I was an animal about to attack. A passing flight attendant got her attention an instant later. "Excuse me," was her almost-silent parting as she lifted herself out of her seat and followed the woman down the aisle.

Alice suddenly let out a snarl behind me, and I heard her seatbelt unclick as she tracked Bella down in the back of the cabin.

"Ma'am, could you tell me-" Bella's question was cut off as Alice grabbed her arm and yanked her off to the side. I growled sharply at the pixie vampire who was holding Bella's arm. She had to be more careful than ever.

"You are not going back to Italy," hissed Alice.

I listened even harder. Why did Bella want to go back? What could possibly be going on in her head?

"I have to," she said. Her face was completely blank.

"No," Alice answered. "Absolutely not."

"Where else am I going to go?" Bella suddenly hissed through her teeth. The cultivated façade was crumbling apart faster with each passing second. Her voice was fierce, but ragged with pain. Her eyes began to shine again, but with the wrong emotions.

"Charlie certainly doesn't want me back at home. Who would want a zombie for a kid? I'm useless."

Alice's thoughts became extremely upset. _That's not true! _She was just about to tell Bella, but the girl wasn't finished.

"I would never, never drag my shadows into Renee's sunny world. I refuse to hurt her. The Volturi said if you didn't change me, I would be killed. So no matter what, they're coming to get me! Whoever's around me will be in that line of fire."

"I'm going to change you-"

"Alice." Bella's voice was leaden with agony and wisdom much older than her eighteen years of age. "I love your family. But none of you want me."

Alice thought at me, _You bastard! You did this. What did you say to her that made her think this way?_

I was stunned, and not just because Alice never cursed at me. A pressure was building inside my chest that I didn't care for.

"I have no home," Bella whispered, becoming more emotional. "Nobody wants me."

I ached to tell her that she was completely wrong, but her next words froze both Alice and me in place.

"Nobody loves me. Italy is the only place I can go."

With that, she turned her back on our sister, made her way back to her seat, and sat without one look at me. A single tear slid down her cheek.

I tried to compose the horror etched on my face, but it would not be shoved down. Alice was right. I had done this to her, and there was no way to take back what I said.

**A.N.: So sad. Again, if you want me to finish New Moon through Edward's eyes, review. Thanks! Until next time.**


	8. Chapter 7- Reading

**So this is the last chapter of plane ride. They arrive in Forks, and Edward finally sees how Bella feels, but by the time he does, she falls asleep. **

**If you want me to continue, please review and tell me to finish the book.**

Disclaimer: Doesn't belong to me.

Alice returned to her seat, making sure to cuff me over the ear as she went by. _Happy? You didn't just have to leave her, but you shattered her as well. She not only thinks that you don't want her, but that we don't want her and that she's unloved. Gold star for you, Edward._

The pressure in my chest was a ball of guilt that was weighing heavier with each passing second, hurting terribly.

The three words Bella had just spoken were on a constant loop in my mind, taunting me.

_Nobody loves me. Nobody loves me._

It was terrible that Bella l thought that of herself. _Nobody loves me._

The only thing I wanted was to tell her the truth. But my words just hurt her. They never allowed her any type of peace. Just when I thought I had the proper words formulated in my mind, they twisted into more horrible things for Bella.

The thing actually was, just when I thought I had figured out her level of pain, another one made itself known, knocking the air from my lungs and forcing my fingers into fists. No words could help me now. Words had hurt her but they could not heal her, it seemed.

However, my continued caresses of her porcelain face seemed to calm her, if only a little bit. I didn't want to be too bold, so, while she was still looking out the window, I placed my hand gently on her ribs, ready to withdraw at the first sign of discomfort.

She grew still, her big eyes fixed on my fingers, almost disbelieving. When the protest I both feared and deserved did not come, I wrapped my arm securely around her, holding her body to mine and placing my chin gently on the top of her head.

The feel of her against me was too good to be allowed, and even if she wasn't embracing me back, I could almost pretend that she was mine all over again, that I had never inflicted a life-shattering amount of pain on her. We could have been back in Forks, sitting on her couch, or in our meadow, basking in the sun while I played with strands of her pretty hair.

I almost wanted to laugh at myself. I guess vampires had the ability to dream after all.

My daydream continued when she shifted, to get away I first assumed, and wrapped both arms around my waist. She shuddered into my hug hesitantly. There was confusion written all over her face, and I knew why.

_Nobody loves me._

Wanting to reassure her, I held her even tighter and placed a kiss on her sweet-smelling locks of hair. Her scent had somehow gotten more fragrant since we'd been together last. Whatever the reason, it was amazing, and made even better because the burn in my throat hadn't made itself prominent in seven months.

I was thirsty, of that there was no contest, but the fire wasn't at all in the top ten problems of my life right now. The top of the list was helping Bella's scars heal. The next was trying to mend my relationship with her… the choices were endless, and so was the agony that came with them.

I wanted so, so badly to imagine that my begging would provide her the option to take me back. I would do anything she wanted, forever. And if she did not want me…

I shook my head when the pain assaulted my body. Yes, it would devastate me if she chose another, but it would be nothing if she could be happy again. If she could feel loved again. And if she didn't love me, didn't trust me… then it would be best for her. And I would continue to reap the consequences of the biggest mistake of my too-long, stretched-out life.

The captain announced our arrival. Bella whimpered and grabbed me closer, holding me like I was her lifesaver. I hoped I could be one day.

The plane touched down with a screech from the wheels. I carefully monitored her reactions. They twisted my stomach violently.

Her eyes slammed shut, her heart raced, and in her single moment of true affection towards me, she threw her arms around my neck and slowly placed a lingering kiss on my cheek. Even though she was still not very powerful, it had more force than I'd ever felt from her.

Bella slumped then, resting her forehead against my jaw, the weariness taking her over. I supported her without question, enjoying the way she finally melted into my embrace. And yet, she still didn't surrender to the impending sleep. Her eyes stayed open, fluttering from time to time. I pulled her to her feet and towed her towards the airport, ignoring Alice's impatient bouncing behind us.

Jasper's thoughts hit me before I saw any of them. They were completely filled with Alice and only Alice; his anxiety was amped up unbearably from the emotions of the rest of my family.

When we came into view, Esme's smile could have broken the sun through the darkest depths of hell. Her mind screamed with relief at seeing me, and overwhelming gratitude and love for the fragile human I was carrying along with me.

She threw her arms around Bella, who started, her eyes jerking open from their almost-closed state. "Thank you so much," Esme whispered._ You have brought my family everything. You brought Edward his only love, you brought us together, and you saved him…_

Thoughts of me drew her eyes back to me, and she briefly contemplated smacking me like I was a child again. She opted to draw me into an embrace, while growling, "You will never put me through that again." _I swear, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen…._

"Sorry, Mom." I couldn't keep the stupid grin off my face, and just as I was allowing myself to be happy, Bella sagged even further, and I clutched her tighter.

Jasper's thoughts exploded into my awareness as he saw Bella for the first time. At first glance, he tried not to read her, but her emotions came through.

Misery. Torture. Loss. Desperation. Desolation. Broken. Depression. Want. Overbearing, overpowering feelings were pouring out of her without any stopper.

I cringed, shying away from the horror coming from both Jasper and Bella. He did the same, and when his golden eyes met mine, they held a small accusation. _Jesus, Edward. It's a shock she's even alive right now._

I resisted the urge to snarl at him, because he was right. And it was my fault.

It took everything I had not to have my talk with Bella now. It was completely unacceptable that she be feeling these things, now or ever. She didn't deserve this. She deserved love, adoration, complete devotion.

At one point, she'd trusted me to give her these things she so needed. But, showing my demon inside, I'd betrayed her trust in the worst way by flaunting my ability to undermine her already shaky self-worth.

_Nobody loves me._

Oh, Bella, how wrong you are.

**Thanks to everyone for reading! Heart you.**

**If you want me to finish book, review, review, review.**


	9. Chapter 8-Erased

**I'm finishing the book! Yay. Thanks to all who reviewed. I will try to answer all of you, I promise, but I haven't quite figured the site out yet. **

**Review and favorite please! I love writing for you guys.**

**Disclaimer: Twilight Saga belongs to Stephanie Meyer. **

When the car pulled up to Chief Swan's house, nervousness curled in my stomach, forming a hard rock in my chest. Bella was finally asleep, her lavender lids shut peacefully. I admired her beauty for an instant more before I saw the curtains shift and Charlie's brown eye looked out at the car, meeting my gaze for an instant before his thoughts became violent and angry.

_Who does that son of a bitch think he is to…_

When he saw Bella wrapped in my arms, his thoughts fragmented even further and he became outright furious. The curtain swung back into place. Charlie's angry footsteps pounded towards the front door, and I hoped that he wasn't bringing his shotgun outside with him.

I opened the door, taking a moment to whisper, "I love you," in Bella's ear. It was cowardly to only tell her once she was unconscious, but that was who I was.

"Bella!" shouted the Chief as he threw the door open.

I cringed inwardly at the look in his eyes. He truly did look like he wanted to shoot me. It would be terrible if he wanted to keep me from Bella, but she was the only one who could send me away. I was firm in that conviction.

"Charlie," whispered the angel in my arms, stirring fitfully and trying to drag her lids back.

I tried to soothe her. "You're home and safe. Just sleep." _Please. _I didn't want her to see the wrath that was about to be unleashed on me. Judging by Bella's personality, she would worry for me, when she shouldn't care whether I lived or died. She should only worry about herself.

As though she would ever care for her own well-being. Bella was the single most selfless being I had ever known, and would ever know.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here!" _Inconsiderate monster! How dare you!_

Bella stirred, and I knew my mouth was moving, and Charlie's and Bella's too, but I could only focus on her. Her father's memories began to scroll through his mind, and even though I did not want to see them, I saw anyway. Catatonic days, nights full of screaming my name, red-rimmed eyes constantly.

I only broke away from the horror when Charlie shoved his arms next to mine, trying to take Bella away from me. Without knowing, I tightened my grip on her, refusing to let go.

"Be mad at me," Bella whispered, fixing her eyes on her father.

No, he should not be mad with her. She'd selflessly thrown her life and caution into the wind just to protect me from the Volturi. The blame rested entirely on my shoulders.

"You bet I will be. Get inside."

"Okay," she murmured, struggling against my arms. "Let me down."

_Catch her, Edward,_ thought Alice primly, seeing her fall over nothing but the flat, stable, unobstructed ground. I allowed myself one brief smile; whatever I had broken in Bella, her endearing clumsiness stayed the exact same.

I timed myself so that Bella didn't come close to touching the concrete. "Let me get her inside," I begged, not trusting Charlie to get her safely up the stairs. "Then I'll leave."

"No!" Bella's cry startled everyone as her eyes shot open, tears starting to form in the chocolate brown depths. Her fingers clutched my shirt so hard that both of her hands turned entirely white. Panic quickened her breathing so much that I was afraid she would hyperventilate and pass out.

"I won't be far," I promised, beginning to walk into the house. Her eyes slowly raised to mine, and the defeat in them was undeniable as well as unbearable. She didn't trust my words.

I was still choking back my self-hatred when I slowly put the girl that I would love forever into her bed, forcing her fingers away from my shirt and onto the sheets next to her. Lovingly, I pulled the quilt over her, making sure both her feet and shoulders were covered so she wouldn't be cold.

I sensed that Charlie's hand was about to touch me, and I stepped to the side before his fingers could clench down onto my shoulder.

"You," he whispered roughly. He pointed an angry finger at his sleeping daughter, who had curled into a ball with her arms hugging her chest. "Look at what you did to her. This is what she did when she was at the peak of her healing. She cried every single goddamn night. She screamed your name in her sleep every single goddamn night."

Each word was a lance through my heart. "Sir, please know that I'm so sorry for what I did. It hurt me to leave too-"

"It hurt _you_?" he roared. This time, when he lunged for me, I could do nothing but let him, and I hoped that he wouldn't try to hit me, because he would undoubtedly break his hand doing so. Instead, his fingers closed around the front of my shirt like Bella's had not two minutes ago.

His mouth proceeded to speak words that would torture me until the end of my existence. "Take a look around you, Cullen," he hissed. "Does it look like it did when you left?"

I hadn't so much as glanced around yet, but as soon as it was brought to my attention, the space looked different. Bella's expressive personality came out only in her room. She was undoubtedly shy in person and this place was the only place where I could see Bella for who she really was, because she hid herself out of embarrassment.

There used to be pillows, pictures, drawings and childhood mementos strewn about. While it had never been messy, there was certain disarray that was somehow appealing. Quilted blankets had stayed on her rocking chair, inviting us to sit for hours and just bask in being together.

Also, one of the very few things that I was equal to Bella in was our mutual love for books. Only in something so trivial could I measure up to her. Our worn copies of books were matching in their raggedness due to overuse: Shakespeare was one of my favorites, and hers too.

The other was music. While I had thousands of CDs, some of mine contained terrible music. Bella's collection of music definitely had my favorite picks mixed in. Her possessions were few and far between but she made them count.

Everything was gone. More like a hotel and less like home, the room had only the bare essentials inside of it. There was one single pencil on the desk next to her ancient PC. All the extra blankets were gone. Missing were the pictures, drawings, mementos of her life; it was hard to tell anyone lived in this room for any extended period of time.

I turned to face her bed and saw only one digital clock on her nightstand. It wasn't the old one that allowed a CD inside. I wondered briefly if she'd gotten a new one- Bella wasn't into material belongings. At least, she hadn't been before I left. But then I saw that the reason she had the new clock because the CD compartment was useless. The stacks of CDs weren't there.

Her books were missing too. My heart ached to see the emptiness that was emanating from this room, from Bella. Everything she had once loved was gone.

There was a sick type of shock frozen on my face. Charlie saw it and let it sink in before he continued speaking, his voice much less angry and much more pained. "You say it was hard for you? How do you think I feel, as her father? You couldn't possibly imagine, so maybe ask Carlisle. There is no worse hell than to see your daughter, breaking and crying and alone, and you can't help her. I couldn't help her because the single person, the single son of a bitch who could help her was the one who'd done it to her in the first place. I was more helpless than ever in my life."

I couldn't bear this. I opened my mouth, but he wasn't finished yet.

"I bet what's coming now is that you love her. Well guess what, Edward Cullen? You gave that right away when you gave her up. And if you think that it was just some fleeting infatuation like your feelings-"

How wrong he was. I'd mated to Bella for life. I loved her so deeply that she was all I ever saw when I closed my eyes, she invaded every thought.

"-then you have another thing coming. If you claim to have any positive feelings for her at all, then I'll let you leave with this little piece of information."

So engrossed in his words, I'd failed to notice that he'd marched me downstairs and I was now standing on his porch step looking back into the house. He leaned in, closer, the anger back in his thoughts.

"You erased the girl that was Bella Swan."

Those words were the worst that I could have ever heard. My muscles stopped moving when they hit my ears, and I cringed as pain exploded in my chest, almost erasing vision. No, no, no, no. He had to be wrong. No matter much Bella had been hurt by me, she was still inside somewhere. I couldn't have broken her entire soul. I begged and prayed to every God I knew of that I hadn't single-handedly shoved her to the point of no return.

He straightened, glaring angry fire at me. "If you ever set foot through this doorway again, if you hurt my daughter one more time, so help me God, I will kill you."

The door slammed in my face. I didn't know how long I stood, lost in the agony, before Charlie's intentions came into my mind. He thought about going up and sitting with Bella but decided disturbing her wasn't a good choice. Instead, he sat in the living room with the TV on, where he could see both the front and back door. His gun sat at his side, loaded.

"Edward."

Bella's voice propelled me up to her window. She was still asleep, but tossing around, her eyes clenched shut in obvious fear.

What if the window was locked? If it was, I would have no means of getting to her, and my entire body ached being this far away. I shut my eyes, hoping, and pulled it open. I sighed once. "Oh, Bella." It was clear that the window was never locked; she had no self-preservation whatsoever. It was almost as if she didn't care that anyone could come into her room and hurt her.

I slid in and the scent that wrapped around me was a blessing wrapped in a curse. My legs took me to her side and I fell to my knees at her side, pulling one of her tiny hands into mine. "I'm right here, love. Don't worry." I kissed the worry line between her brows and waited. A few seconds passed, and I was about to repeat the action, just as it smoothed and she relaxed deeper into sleep.

I blew out a sigh of relief. "Just sleep, my angel. I won't-"

A beeping came from her computer, and even though it was a rude invasion of her privacy, my curiosity piqued and I walked over, braced one arm on the desk, and used the mouse to wake up the sleeping screen.

Her email was the first thing to pop up. I didn't want to look, but her inbox was full of messages. Sickly curious, I gazed over them, my eagerness fading to horror.

They were all from Alice Cullen. However, the messages were not written from her. They were automated mails from the server, telling Bella that her messages had not been delivered to the intended sender. I'd made Alice shut her account down the day before we left.

Most of the emails were just asking her to visit, to hear about my family, which hurt enough. But the most recent, sent about two weeks prior, blew the previous pain out of the water, almost keeling me over with what it read.

_Alice,_

_I thought that Jake was helping me. I started to laugh again, I wasn't completely miserable; I even slept through a few nights without the nightmare._

_But Alice, nothing can replace the family that I lost. Nothing can replace _him.

_This keeps saying that these aren't sent to you, but if you're somehow reading them, please, please, please come home. I promise that I'll fix whatever I did to make you all hate me so much. I know that I will never be enough to deserve you, but maybe I can find a way. If I was changed, I wouldn't be so stupid and slow and unlovable and human. _

_Is this all in vain? Will the pain stay forever? _

_This life is useless. The pain is unbearable. It drags me down every day. When I wake up, I despise the fact that I'm still breathing. I'm useless in myself._

I didn't want to keep reading. It was pure torture. My hand had covered my mouth, warding off any screams of pain that might escape. My eyes refused to obey my wishes.

_I don't see the point of going on. _

_Alice, please, show what I'm about to say to him. I want him to see it._

_Edward, I'm sorry that I wasted your time. It was foolish of me to ever think that someone like you could love something like me. It was vain and stupid and I apologize. I want more than anything to be enough for you, or to at least be changed so that I could be with you without being a burden. _

_I did hope for that for a long time, but then I realized that I would just be bringing you down, with me as a vampire, an immortal annoyance. But God, to be with you again…_

_Be happy, Edward. _

_And Alice, you too. The whole family. I wish you all the best, but I wish that the best had been staying with me in Forks. I don't know how to live without any of you, and least of all without him._

_There is no life for me without him. Without any of you._

I was shaking so hard my knees almost gave out when the message came to an end. My hand was still tight around my mouth, the other wrapped around my chest. It felt like someone had punched a huge hole through it and left the sides ragged and bleeding, so that it was the only thing I could focus on.

I shuddered away from the computer, slamming down on the power switch so the horror would be offscreen. My eyes found the sleeping woman not two feet away. Sometime during my message reading, she'd started to cry in her sleep, the pillow becoming wet with tears.

I really hoped that I didn't choke on the lump in my throat. I had to get out of here, and now, before I destroyed something or, horribly, inconceivably, I physically hurt Bella. The pain was coalescing into something that I knew would turn violent.

I threw myself out the window, running as fast as I could, away from everything that I'd done. I couldn't handle it, and I could not understand. How? How?!

Suddenly, it all came clear, and my feet planted in the forest floor.

I'd arrogantly thought that Bella had only felt human infatuation, not the deep, instinctual love that coursed through my metaphoric veins. I'd thought that since she was human, she didn't have the same capacity to love as I did.

Of course she did. She was an angel.

I'd also misunderstood the capacity of her grief and agony. It was a wonder that her fragile heart could hold so much pain and take so much abuse from me.

Isabella Swan loved me just as much as I loved her- unconditionally and irrevocably. She had taken me for what I was, the monster that I was, and was probably the only being that could do so. And my response had been to discard and curse her love, throwing it all to hell.

I had no warning before Alice screamed at me.

"Your ass is MINE, Cullen!"

She tackled me to the ground and her eyes blazed into mine as she pinned me to the earth.

**Okay, there we go. I got the email idea from the New Moon movie… hehe.**

**So basically what happened was Alice re-opened her email account and read all of Bella's messages. Next time, Alice and Edward talk, and he reveals what he really said to Bella that day.**

**Review and favorite please!**


	10. Chapter 9- Torn Soul

**Here's where Edward confesses what he truly said that made Bella so hurt. The chapter ends with Bella waking up.**

**Disclaimer: Twilight Saga belongs to Stephanie Meyer.**

"Alice, get off!" I struggled beneath the tiny vampire. She was surprisingly strong for one so small.

Her fists began to beat me, not very hard, but enough to annoy the daylights out of me. "You big insensitive idiotic prick!"

"Stop it! What are you talking about?"

"I just turned my email back on," she snarled, curling a lip over her teeth, baring them menacingly at me. "And guess what was waiting for me?"

The memories in her head began to roll, and the images hurt a thousand times worse than her tiny fists. "Oh, God," I whispered, unable to manage anything else.

"And so I thought to myself, 'Oh, this is normal behavior, she'll get rid of the feelings.' But then-" her hands took a break from beating me to stab my chest with a finger- "I realized that that horrible message was sent _two_ _weeks _before today. TWO WEEKS! So you better start talking right this instant and tell me what the hell you said to her that broke her that badly."

I opened my mouth, but then she put one hand over it, shoving my head further into the ground. "Actually, an audience would be better, no? Our family, especially our mother and father, will be interested to know what you did to relocate us for seven whole months."

I cringed and tried to protest. "Alice. Just listen for a moment-"

"I listened when you told us to leave!" She yelled. "I listened when you told me it would be best for her. You're a dirty liar, Edward. But you better not lie to us when we ask you what you really said."

I deliberated whether or not to tell them, and decided to make my choice when I saw the faces of my family. I allowed Alice to grab my shirt and pull me as fast as she could to the house. When we entered, she shoved me into the dining room, where we always convened, shutting the door behind us. Our entire family was apparently prepared for this.

I caught one glimpse of Carlisle's face and knew that I would not lie to him, or my mother, or any of my siblings. I'd wanted to tell Bella the truth before my family, but they were here now. I prepared myself to speak.

Alice's gasp shattered the dead silence as she saw the future, and she saw the words before I'd even spoken them. "You said what?!"

My mouth opened as if to speak, but no words came out.

She was suddenly on me again, hitting me harder. "How could you?" she screamed. "You found the perfect mate, she loved you in spite of everything you are, and you just threw her love away like it was worthless? How dare you speak to her like that!"

Everyone was in motion when I started to fight back, trying to get her off of me. "It was the only way!" I shouted right back at her as Jasper grasped her waist and yanked her away. Emmett had both of my arms as we were restrained, facing each other, breathing hatred.

"Would you two little mind-powered freaks care to let us in on the conversation?" Emmett queried warily. Rosalie stood smirking next to him, and I resisted the urge to snap at her smug face.

"You want to know why I'm so angry?" hissed Alice. "Do you remember the day that Edward left Bella, and he told us that he just told her we were leaving?"

She didn't wait for acknowledgment before continuing. "Just before he abandoned her in the forest, he told her that he was tired of pretending, he was sorry that he'd "let it go on for so long," and that Bella was a distraction for him. He made her feel like _nothing._"

Her tirade was met with stunned silence. Jasper was frozen, trying to manage all the emotions heading his way. Rosalie, for all of her supposed dislike for Bella, suddenly felt a connection to her: Royce had said some of the same things the night he forced her life to end. Emmett was beginning to get angry; Alice was past rage now. Carlisle was surprised but not completely shocked, and Esme just thought, _Oh Edward, why?_

"She wasn't going to let me go," I tried to defend myself, when really, there was no excuse whatsoever for what I'd done.

"God knows why," Rosalie whispered.

Hindsight was an excruciating thing. That horrible day, I'd thought that what I was doing was right not only for Bella, but for the rest of us. I'd torn our family apart along with Bella's spirit. Monster wasn't a horrible enough description for what I was, truly.

"And as for Bella…" Alice seemed at a loss for words now. "God, Carlisle, if you could have felt what was coming from her… it was awful. I'm surprised she hasn't gone and thrown herself in front of a bus."

Those words, coming from her mouth so insensitively, tore a growl from my chest. "Don't say that!"

"It's true!" she yelled back at me.

"Stop." Esme's usually calm voice held a twinge of panic, but she was firm. We all relaxed our positions, no longer against each other, and listened to our mother. Her eyes pierced mine for a moment, trying to read me, before she spoke again. "What Edward did is inexcusable." I cringed and dropped my eyes to the floor. "But, God willing, Bella will have him again, and we can resume life as it was for us."

The rest of them nodded. Esme walked to me and put an arm around my shoulders. "Go to her, Edward."

I got ready to go, but Carlisle caught my arm. "In case she… doesn't take you," he murmured. "What will you do?"

Drown in agony? Hope to drop dead right then? Spend eternity like the last seven months, thinking of my one true love nonstop?

"I don't know." I dragged one hand through my hair. "And everyone?"

Their gazes all met mine.

"I'm so sorry for everything."

Within a minute I was back in Bella's room, in the bare rocking chair, thinking with my eyes shut. What _would _I do? I didn't want to imagine her rejection, but it was likely on the way. If-

"Edward, please."

Bella's tear-filled voice propelled me to the bed, and tears still dripped from behind her closed lids. God, why had I done this to a defenseless angel? There was no punishment too heinous in Hell that could make me repent.

"I'm here," I answered, whispering her name, grateful beyond imagination that I could say it with her there. I kissed her forehead once, twice, a third time. The final time, her eyelids unexpectedly fluttered. Fear twisted in my throat and chest, urging me to be still.

This was it.

**Okay, there we have it.**

**Review, fave, follow.**


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